I used to be beautiful ...
But only now can i see that.
My name is Gemma, I am 20 years old and trying to find my way - just like so many of you out there. To be honest I am quite nervous about the whole concept of letting people into my life and opening up about my past, but I truly believe now is my time to start to get my life together and try and find happiness within myself.
I would like to prepare any girls who have suffered from an eating disorder that my writings are going to be truthful and sincere. I hope they do not trigger you - especially my "about me", but please understand that I have hidden from so many people my entire life and lied for years, so I owe it to myself to make these entries as honest as possible.
I have suffered with anorexia nervosa and severe depression for 5 years now. In grade 10, when I was 14, I was an elite runner and swimmer, yet I was never happy with body in comparison to the other girls I trained with. These along with being bullied at school, having a mentally sick sister and a pushy dad quite possibly are the reasons why I decided to start dieting. Initially I cut out all junk food and kept decreasing my food until I got down to almost nothing. The weight dropped off for months, it was the greatest sense of achievement and people commented on how great I looked being smaller. So I wanted to get thinner and thinner, it was something that I was good at ! and in a way it was a test - lets see if I can get under X kilograms, but it just kept going. Eventually I hit a plateau. So I began the dangerous routine of vomiting. After only 2 months of my pitiful diet along with my additional routine, I became very weak and almost incapacitated. My dad took me to the Emergency Department one winter afternoon because he thought I was going to die – and right he was, I was admitted into intensive care because my body had started to shut down. I was given less than 48 hours to live if I refused treatment, although this really didn’t faze me. At this stage my weight wasn’t that low, but my body was certainly crying out for help. I spent 3 weeks on heart monitors and being tube fed 24/7.
I was discharged and put on a program where I had to gain at least half a kilo per week in order to stay out of hospital. This lead to almost a year of lies and pain. I started piling on accessories and water logging in order to put on weight for my weekly weigh ins, soon enough the accessories weren’t enough so I began strapping gym weights to my body. This increased each week until a point where I could no longer stand, as I was lugging around 8.5 kilos of weights on my 37 kilogram frame. When I my secret was discovered, my healthcare team were mortified and quite frankly humiliated that they had not noticed what I was doing, so my true weight was uncovered which lead to a near second admission, luckily for me the hospital beds were full so I was sent home.
My second admission, about a year later was to psychiatric hospital in Brisbane, those were perhaps my most confronting days ever. Being around 10 other anorexics was plain dangerous; we shared tips and went to extreme lengths in order to help each other eat less and avoid being watched. Me being a very smart individual kept to myself the majority of the time, yet I was by far the most deceitful. I would replace my feed with water so I could avoid being pumped with thousands of calories over night, and syringe my stomach through my tube whenever I could. Being a psychiatric hospital I witnessed many horrific and graphic things, which no individual should ever have to see, let alone a 16 year old girl. I escaped that admission only putting on 2.5 kilos, something that was never heard of in an eating disorder program. Two of the doctors told me I needed to be careful, because I was too smart for my own good and that I was one of the smartest anorexics they had met. I took this as a compliment at the time, but only now can I see how right they were.
My third admission once again to Brisbane was in year 12, I was allowed to attend my formal; purely for the reason that I was the events coordinator and organised the whole thing, then little to my knowledge I was locked in the car and taken to Brisbane the morning after. The lies got worse and I became even more obsessed with avoiding calories and causing trouble. So once again I was discharged too early. I began burning my wrists in order to numb my pain. I had an agonising routine, which ensured maximum pain and long lasting effects.
I refused then to never go back to hospital and swore to my parents that if they put me in again, that I would not come out alive. So for the next 2 years I dropped more and more weight until I got to a deathly 29 kilograms. I had only months left to live, yet no matter how much family, friends or professionals begged, I would not eat more or change my ways. I was terrified of putting on weight and saw no future for myself so eventually stopped trying.
In July 2012, my mum took me to Thailand, a place I always dreamt of going. It was meant to be the start of my new beginning and letting go of all my fears, but I went into complete panic over there and would not eat or drink at all. I was paranoid and an utter mess. I came back very sick and extremely weak. I am a receptionist at a medical centre and my doctors I work with became even more anxious about my health and how long I could go on for. One doctor in particular, who had always had a soft spot for me, took me under his wing. He is now whom I consider one of my best friends and my saviour. It wasn’t the fact that he is a doctor - to me that is just a sheer coincidence. I had seen supposedly the best eating disorder professionals in Queensland and they made no impact on me whatsoever. He however, treated me like a normal person which no one had done for a long time, gave me extra responsibility in terms of workload, made me laugh and smile, yet knew when to care for me.
As the months went on I slowly realised that I needed to change. I have always been a very goal orientated person, however what I was about to do, was going to change my life. I made a list of all my most fearful foods – foods that I used to like as a child. There were 38 that I came up with, so I decided to do one every fortnight. I started off with the healthiest options, such as a sandwich and handful of nuts. Please understand that these foods horrified me, I had not touched them in over 4 years. I did my challenges however I compensated heavily after by exercising or starving myself, although never the less I was making the effort to try and conquer these food demons. Eventually I had crossed off the easier options and I had to face the chocolate, chips, ice cream etc, I cant explain what it was like to have to put chocolate in my mouth, it took me 35 minutes to eat a baby freddo frog and I was so confused after I had to go to bed. I then realised that I was still just a scared of these foods even though I had eaten them once, so I started making myself have them more regularly. Slowly the fears faded, and I actually began to enjoy some of these ‘bad’ foods. Funnily enough I lost another half a kilo, which I did not understand at all.
On November 5th 2012, I don’t know what happened but for some reason I got home from work and had my allocated lunch but then felt like chocolate. So I had a freddo… then I had a scoop of ice cream and finally I went back for another 2 freddos. This was completely unheard of for me, I had lost all control and I felt so ill after. I lay on the floor with a stomach ache and a pounding head full of self hatred. I swore to my self I would NEVER do that again but a week later the same thing happened again, but that time I ate slightly more and once again I lay on the floor feeling physically ill and mortified of what just happened. After a few weeks I was bingeing almost everyday. I realised I was suffering with refeeding syndrome at the end of November, which is an illness that commonly occurs with cancer patients or anorexics whom are so severely malnourished - once they begin eating again. I was hallucinating, passing out, unable to put together logical sentences at times doing such extreme things, I did not know who I was. I would eat anything and everything as fast as I could and in secret! When food was taken away at home, I resulted to going out – Yes as you can imagine, McDonalds, Supermarket junk isles, burgers, ice cream you name it. After passing out 3 times in my car from eating so much food in such a short space of time, my keys were taken off me. Unstoppable me found other options, stealing and eating left overs out of bins – these being two of the most shameful things I have ever done. Once I got to about 38 kilos my manic episodes slowed and the refeeding syndrome had passed. Yet I stilled binged and they just kept getting bigger – my highest reaching a dangerous 6500 calories – all in the space of about 20 minutes, then throwing up for hours on end after. The weight kept piling on week by week and my self hatred intensified each day as I got bigger. Patients at work would comment most days; some had kind intentions I know, however I also received a lot of nasty comments that I found and still find very hard to deal with.
I am now 65 kilograms, so have put on a colossal 36 kilograms in a mere 6 months and the most depressed I have ever been in my life. I have refused to see family or friends since November and have been keeping this a secret from them all simply because I am so ashamed of what I have become. I resorted back to old habits and burnt my wrists to the bone. Having to show them to a particular person because infection was going to take over was one of the most shameful things I have had to do. His face of disappointment, hurt but most of all sadness killed me. So i swore that I would never to do it again. Its amazing the pain you can endure when every cell of your body is consumed with self hatred. I constantly think about setting myself free and letting everyone be free of me, but deep down I know I am better than that. I am still bingeing insanely and throwing up most days but am determined to stop it once and for all.
June 2013, I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever made – Curled up in the corner of my dark room, after planning my next attempt for freedom, I contacted Michelle Merrifield and basically pleaded for help, something I have never done before.
Never have I loved myself or never have I been loved. I have been emotionless and numb for over 5 years now. But I am ready to change, I am sick of my life. I want to experience happiness, I want to be comfortable and maybe even learn to love myself, I want to have energy, I want to learn how to eat and not think about it, but most of all … I want to stop merely existing and start living.
So I am embarking on a life changing challenge to change the way I live my life. Right now though, I'm not doing this for me, because sadly I am still in that place where I often do not care whether I am here or not tomorrow. So this is for a few people in particular, but very soon it will be for ME.
Gemma xx
I encourage both eating disorder sufferers and family and friends to join the I Will Find My Way facebook group. It will let you know when something new is added to this site. But most importantly it will be a support network for people living with an eating disorder who no longer want to live that way.