It's been another period of swinging between drastic darkness and brightness. However there are two sides to every coin and both sides of my coin these past weeks have proven to me I have choices and it is only me who can decide what I am going to choose. It is so easy to focus on all the negatives in our lives and dismiss the small successes we achieve each day and moments of beauty we encounter. I am sure many of you have been told to "look on the bright side, be positive, forget about it"... and you think seriously! things could not be any worse. But the truth is there are thousands of people out there who are a much worse place than you, or in a similar position as you. Its not the severity of the issue, disease or disability that should determine how you feel and react to those situations, it is how you choose to perceive that situation and you deal with it. Take twin sisters for example - they have both experienced the divorce between their parents and the death of their little brother. One goes on to graduate from school and start studying family law and the other drops out because what's the point in life and begins experimenting with drugs. They have both been exposed to the exact same situation/tragedy but it is how their individual reactions and choices from that situation that goes on to shape their life.
I've gone back to vomiting most days, i've eaten many foods I told myself I wouldn't touch anymore, I have a rash on my neck, my hair is in desperate need of colour and I feel so unattractive and so fat it's beyond a joke. BUT I have a choice to either continue down that self destructive path or acknowledge that i've screwed up a few times but that I have also made some pretty amazing progress. I've been to 6 yoga classes and 2 boxercise classes each week, I have made the effort to see a few friends which is SO hard when I really don't want anyone seeing me right now, I've cooked some healthy meals and started eating fruit again which is the first time in months and my calories - yes I still count (not a good habit) have been the lowest since December !
My strength and form is finally starting to improve in yoga and I've got some lovely people who I look forward to seeing each week. However boxercise is still really hard for me - both physically and mentally, I feel so unfit and weak there and get so frustrated with myself when I can't do something or am not keeping up. My group also has a lot of young attractive people in it, which makes me feel even worse about my body. I am the biggest, weakest and quietest one there and I hate that. I just keep telling myself - NOT FOR LONG GEMMA.
Today I ate a whole block of chocolate and potato chips. Did I enjoy it ? No, How did it make me feel ? Gross and piss*d off that I keep doing this myself. It is so embarrassing going into IGA and buying junk, when all the staff know my situation. However I have decided that I am sick of embarrassing myself, I am sick of feeling nauseous and bloated, I'm sick of feeling so ugly and worthless and I am sick of letting myself down. I then reluctantly went to yoga, had to partner up with a guy, YAY all I needed ! but did meet a really lovely older lady who was struggling next to me, I ended up helping her out a little and as I was walking out I saw she was going to buy some things so gave her my voucher. As small as that was it was enough to turn my day around. It got me thinking too, maybe when I am fit and strong I could take a class or work one on one with someone.
I am all about dates ! The new month, new week, tomorrow ... and when I screw up I almost give myself permission to keep screwing up until that next marker. I keep telling myself ... tomorrow I will get back on track, Monday I will start my strict diet, I won't vomit after today. But the truth is tomorrow never comes ! I was on the phone to Michelle on the way to yoga and I told her about my morning, she said thats great Gem lets start your day NOW.
You have to choose whether or not you want to stop smoking, eat healthier, get stronger, forgive that person, make yourself a better person... And you have to decide that you are going to do it now, not tomorrow. Of course there are likely to be slip ups - acknowledge it, work out your next plan of action and get on with it. There is no such thing as an achievable goal without the individual steps to get there. So make your plan and keep altering it until you get it right.
So when I got home today I decided to cleanse myself. I had a shower, threw up - we'll skip that part, exfoliated myself with one of my many shower scrubs that I have never used, lit my candles in my room, cut up an orange and had my water with chia seeds, wrote down my plan for tomorrow and lay in bed with my lil kitties Snickers and Twix.
Today I resisted what I always seem to do - all or nothing. That in itself is huge progress for me, so i'm going to hold onto that.
I've gone back to vomiting most days, i've eaten many foods I told myself I wouldn't touch anymore, I have a rash on my neck, my hair is in desperate need of colour and I feel so unattractive and so fat it's beyond a joke. BUT I have a choice to either continue down that self destructive path or acknowledge that i've screwed up a few times but that I have also made some pretty amazing progress. I've been to 6 yoga classes and 2 boxercise classes each week, I have made the effort to see a few friends which is SO hard when I really don't want anyone seeing me right now, I've cooked some healthy meals and started eating fruit again which is the first time in months and my calories - yes I still count (not a good habit) have been the lowest since December !
My strength and form is finally starting to improve in yoga and I've got some lovely people who I look forward to seeing each week. However boxercise is still really hard for me - both physically and mentally, I feel so unfit and weak there and get so frustrated with myself when I can't do something or am not keeping up. My group also has a lot of young attractive people in it, which makes me feel even worse about my body. I am the biggest, weakest and quietest one there and I hate that. I just keep telling myself - NOT FOR LONG GEMMA.
Today I ate a whole block of chocolate and potato chips. Did I enjoy it ? No, How did it make me feel ? Gross and piss*d off that I keep doing this myself. It is so embarrassing going into IGA and buying junk, when all the staff know my situation. However I have decided that I am sick of embarrassing myself, I am sick of feeling nauseous and bloated, I'm sick of feeling so ugly and worthless and I am sick of letting myself down. I then reluctantly went to yoga, had to partner up with a guy, YAY all I needed ! but did meet a really lovely older lady who was struggling next to me, I ended up helping her out a little and as I was walking out I saw she was going to buy some things so gave her my voucher. As small as that was it was enough to turn my day around. It got me thinking too, maybe when I am fit and strong I could take a class or work one on one with someone.
I am all about dates ! The new month, new week, tomorrow ... and when I screw up I almost give myself permission to keep screwing up until that next marker. I keep telling myself ... tomorrow I will get back on track, Monday I will start my strict diet, I won't vomit after today. But the truth is tomorrow never comes ! I was on the phone to Michelle on the way to yoga and I told her about my morning, she said thats great Gem lets start your day NOW.
You have to choose whether or not you want to stop smoking, eat healthier, get stronger, forgive that person, make yourself a better person... And you have to decide that you are going to do it now, not tomorrow. Of course there are likely to be slip ups - acknowledge it, work out your next plan of action and get on with it. There is no such thing as an achievable goal without the individual steps to get there. So make your plan and keep altering it until you get it right.
So when I got home today I decided to cleanse myself. I had a shower, threw up - we'll skip that part, exfoliated myself with one of my many shower scrubs that I have never used, lit my candles in my room, cut up an orange and had my water with chia seeds, wrote down my plan for tomorrow and lay in bed with my lil kitties Snickers and Twix.
Today I resisted what I always seem to do - all or nothing. That in itself is huge progress for me, so i'm going to hold onto that.