I could well have experienced some of my lowest moments but also some of my best in a long time. This week has been a very hard week for me both mentally and physically. I’ve now done 3 weeks of yoga and it has HIT me like a tonne of bricks. I feel so tired, weak and nauseous the majority of the time. My months of bingeing and purging are taking its toll. In all honesty my body has been powering off pure processed crap since the beginning of the year, I have had less than 5 proper nutritious meals since November. I am disappointed in myself that I am still doing this. I am sick of feeling this way ! And it frustrates me to no level that every time I collapse on my bed with a dangerously full stomach, pounding head and blurred eyes – I demand that I will never let myself get to this stage again, yet I do it to myself time and time again.
On the positive my binges have been much smaller in volume and roughly every 2-3 days rather than every day. I am trying SO hard to resist vomiting because my throat, gums and teeth are in a very bad state at the moment, but it’s almost habitual - eat too much, get rid …
In my short time at Essence yoga I have already met the most beautiful people. The teachers are so caring but what has amazed me is the students. Never have I felt so encouraged and welcomed.
I am naturally a very judgemental person, towards others but most of all myself. So I often find myself comparing myself to others and I easily get disheartened if I don’t feel I am meeting or exceeding their standards. It has been very hard for me being around such healthy and fit individuals lately. I feel fatter and more worthless than ever, however on the flip side I am determined to get myself to a similar physique and mind frame.
I am hurting very much inside right now and in utter desperation last week I added up my total dosage of anti d's and sleeping tablets, popped them out but then sat there staring at them through wet eyes. I couldn't do it... What would happen if I didn't take enough and I just seized or comatised myself for a week - what would I have to face after when I was awake ?
However in the past few days I have realised I have a few more people in my life than I thought who truly care about me, and could quite possibly need me.