It's taken me a while to want to write again, as I have been contemplating whether or not I should be doing this. Am I actually helping people gain a better understanding or am I too negative and exposing too much ? Self doubt and criticism are things that flood my mind too often. I am constantly worrying what others will think and drilling into myself how much I hate myself and what a failure I am. The amount of beautiful messages and encouragement I have received since I started this has completely overwhelmed me. All it took was one small comment that my negativity and details are perhaps a little too emphasised to make me put my mouse over the 'delete i will find my way' button. It's not that I can't handle criticism, I deal with that most days but when complete honest self is being questioned I don't know what to do. I can not lie and write about how great things are or how positive I'm feeling when such vivid ideas and horrible thoughts are running through my mind most nights. I AM making progress, but it's fast enough for my high standards.
2 weeks ago I put my neck out, I couldn't exercise for 5 days. This probably sounds simple, yep take a week off and rest. But with my mind, doing nothing is not good, in fact its dangerous. So what resulted was 4 days of bingeing and pounding myself with the belief there is no point trying. At the end of that week, a good looking PT came in to work seeing if he could give us a few newsletters to put out. He asked me a few questions and I think he could see that I was unhappy and needed help to get fit and feel better about myself. I went along to my first session terrified, but soon realised he was going to be the perfect fit for me. It's moments like these I try and hold onto, moments I am inspired to get up tomorrow and make it a better day, make me a better person.
Night time is usually when everything becomes too much and I fall apart. The comments at work - asking if I am the same person, how long I have worked there, do I have a sister, I was just speaking to Gemma are there two of you now ? slowly eat away at me inside. I try so hard not to let people see I am struggling or upset because I don't want to be thought of as a negative person. So instead I try to make people laugh, make nice gestures and care for them. Perhaps it's time I start doing that for me too.
I was asked today what is perfection and what is normal ? I knew where this conversation was going ... "there's no such thing as perfection, it's a self created perception which would differ from person to person and there is no such thing as normal, there is more common or more usual but normal is not a measure ..." But never have I actually thought about this without being sardonic. Perfection is unattainable for most people, me included. When I reached my 'perfect weight' I didnt feel perfect so I made a new 'perfect weight', I reached that one and the same story again. Think about famous people, they have the perfect life don't they ? They are rich, well known, get heaps of free things, go to all the social events, get to dress up, they're good looking ... but do you think THEY think they are perfect ? Of course not. How many celebrities, musicians and actors have overdosed or committed suicide because they could not take it anymore ? Too many, and we thought these people were amazing, had it all ! There is NO such thing as perfection. So it's about time we all stop striving for an imaginary image. The same concept applies with 'normal'. A lot of people with difficult family situations wish that had a normal happy family. A normal family would be 2 straight parents, 2 or 3 kids, well off, holidaying regularly, sporty and social right ? Well if you go by statistics then divorced parents would be more normal, struggling with money would be more normal and unfit/unhealthy would be more normal. Fly across the other side of the world to China and it will be a completely different story again. And what's considered 'normal' now will probably change in 100 years too. It's confusing what normal is isn't it. That's because there is NO normal.
Instead of wanting to be perfect or normal, like so many of us do. Try wanting to be the best person you can be and grateful for what you have. If you are grateful for what you have, you will manifest more good into your life. If you continually focus on what you want to be or have in the end, it will be the end and you will not have enjoyed any of the process.
I look at my life and think how angry I am that I have wasted over 5 years being depressed, angry, isolated, numb, hurt, fixated and obsessed with one thing. I look at where I am now and I am equally as hurt and angry about my current situation. But if I dwell on those thoughts it will become 10 years. Instead, I have to try and be grateful for what I have, start each day with an open mind and let go of the past.
Repetition and writing down mantras, what you are grateful for, goals and aspirations are the best and only way of initiating positivity. As one of my tattoos says: Live in the moment, forget the past and don't fear what's to come. I got that 2 years ago and I still don't believe it but I hope one day I will. Or then again perhaps I should have got it on my forehead.