Two and a half months have passed since I last wrote... and if I were to give those two months justice, I would need to publish a short novel. I said I was deleting my website, then decided I would lock it for a while because I couldn't bring myself to press the delete button. And now I am republishing... I hate going back on my word, it feels pathetic and attention seeking, but in all honesty I don't see why I should delete something that means so much to me and what I now realise means something to quite a lot of others too, all because of one person - one person who is unfortunately now a significant part of my life.
It hurts to think I now have to 'edit' and be conscious of what I am writing about, because every word I write will be analysed, most likely taken out of context or used against me in some way or another. So I now write with a knife to my throat ... but nether the less I WILL WRITE !
In one year, I have put on almost 40 kilograms, cried more than I have in my whole life, hated myself so intensely I resorted to burning my wrists again, been bombarded with comments almost daily from patients at work and perhaps the worst of all - lay in bed countless nights dreading what others were saying or thinking.
In one year I have lost my identity, my label and in many ways my world - Anorexia. I am no longer anorexic. I am no longer the girl that is so emaciated people are afraid to hug her. So pale, drained and gaunt that people would question how long I have left. You would think it would wonderful to be rid of this, but I was left alone ... and ashamed of the 'new me'.
Throughout this internal war, there has been one person who has made it worth waking up each morning, who has distracted me when I was really really down, made me laugh, smile, talked to me for hours upon hours and given me hope for the future. Our friendship has grown immensely throughout this period and it's now clear to me how important it is that I am well. I want to be running a medical centre - looking after patients, dealing with the everyday dramas and laughs of our clinic and working with a team of amazing intelligent and passionate professionals - who like me, don't consider work as work. I then want to come home to someone who adores me to death and can make me happy no matter what we do, be it absolutely nothing or going out for an amazing night. I want to be beautiful, both inside and out - my body to be slim, fit and sexy but most of all healthy and my mind full of excitement, ideas, stories and jokes.
They say when one plan fails go to plan B and not to worry because you have until Z. Well I guess you could say I got a little worried, I could well have approached plan M. But nether the less I kept on making new plans and never quite gave up. I now have a personal trainer who is transforming both my mind and body, a much healthier relationship with food, the best friend anyone could ever ask for ... but a very blurry future. This blurry future scares me. Not just the unknown, which is something I do not like, but the possibilities or perhaps lack of possibilities.
September and October was the most uplifted and happiest I had been in years ! As I became more focused on other things - trying to get fit, career plans and seeing a few friends, I felt less hateful and a new drive was ignited in me. Having a new manager at work and no longer fearing when I'd next be targeted or humilated made such a difference, as well as the temporary increase in hours and the everyday laughs and conversations with Jeffers.
6 weeks ago, my life was turned almost upside down, but even more so for someone else. Work changed, a seed was planted in someone's head from another person who wrongfully interfered ... and now this seed is keeping me apart from someone - who neither I or them wants to be the case. This seed has caused so much hate, angst and pain for all parts. I'm now scared to check my phone, to find a message I don't want to read.
People judge others left right and centre. I've always known this, but I think I have only just really realised this. People will comment on anything and everything. If I'm the size of a starving orphan or slightly too big, people make it their business to put in their two cents. If I were to shave my head, wear something different or do something not classified as 'the norm' it would be commented on. I often find myself analysing other people's looks or actions and have to tell myself - Stop Gemma, that is not necessary or fair. However the way I and many others observe - noticing and thinking is very different to that of how the others observe - a nasty, judgemental and biased observation.
Why should it matter what people look like, what clothes they wear, how they act or what they choose to do. In reason ... i'm not suggesting we accept a green haired rapist expressing their views on sex ! But rather, why does it mater who we choose to be friends with, what we want to do in life, who we fall in love with. Should it really matter to others whether I marry a millionaire or a struggling cleaner ? ... No, it shouldn't. No one else would be enjoying the fortunes of my high roller, nor would they need to worry about the financial struggles of my cleaner. I wish people would accept who others choose or what they want to do in life and be happy that their friend, brother, daughter is happy. And accept that this is want THEY want.
I was once an A grade student, a naturally gifted musician and had a successful markets. However I dropped out of uni, gave up music and sold my markets. Why ? because I dont want to study, I don't want to teach or perform music and I don't want to be in the market setting. What I want is quite simple, yet now it seems so complicated.
By no means am I saying I'm living on the edge now ! However I have been that close to the end, and that ready to assist in reaching that end, that I really don't want to care what others think. Note - I don't want to care, not I don't care. I will get there, but for the time being - I won't give up on a certain dream and I will not be letting go of the one person who brings so much excitement, love and hope to me. I will be working as hard as ever to get the body I desire, spending time with those who make me laugh and I feel I can generally trust, and hopefully making a new plan.
We all need to recognise how far we have come. Whether it be now smoking 3 cigarettes a day, down from the previous 30 a day. Exercising twice a week, as opposed to not even considering walking up the road. Drinking on weekends, rather than every night ... The end goal, aim or desire is far too overwhelming. My end goal - that I want to be 15 kilos lighter, fit and sexy as hell, managing J's clinic and in a relationship with someone. If I look at it that way, which I often do - I am not going to get there. I need to lose 5 kilos first, do what my trainers advise, get through the next year at work and be patient, happy, spend more time with certain people and then hope that things do progress. However right now, I need to praise myself for what I have achieved. I am no longer bingeing, throwing up, harming or any of the other negative things I used to do. I have lost 4 kilos roughly, which to me is very disheartening, however when I compare progress photos I can see a significant difference.
Replace your punishing thoughts with praise for how far you have come - no matter how small. Because running 2km turns into 5km, 10km then a half marathon. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are we. If you don't enjoy, or at least acknowledge the process, do you really think you will be instantly satisfied, happy and whole when you have reached the destination ? I don't think so.